The Delta

 

It's hard not to recall my physical being before rheumatoid arthritis became an unwelcome part of my daily life. It's hard not to compare the physical feats of my life before rheumatoid arthritis with the physical limitations of daily life now. Late nights, long weekends, early meetings, seasonal children's activities, housework, yardwork, cooking, and so much more. Maybe the correct way to think about those days is that we ask too much of parents with young children, but still the comparison between energy levels then and now is both obvious and hard to think about.

People say well-meaning things like, you have to work with rheumatoid arthritis. You have to take it as it comes. Easier said than done to be sure.

For me, it is the constant mental undercurrent required to determine the delta between the exciting and endless tasks (represented by x) I want (represented below by w) to do versus the selected tasks I am able (represented below by a) to do. This layer of thinking is ever present and uses valuable brain bandwidth to constantly calculate the delta. 

Δ = wx² - ax

The delta calculation begins every morning when the first gauge of pain, stiffness, and energy becomes clear. Sporadically throughout the day, the math continues, gets recalculated, and plans change. 

I want to go out, but am I able to?

I want to go out at 8am, but what does that mean for the rest of the day?

I want to go out at 8pm, but is there enough energy, mental and physical, left?

Then, there is the cumulative effect of ignoring the delta. 

While I am eternally grateful for having young children long before a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis, I am not grateful for the endless mental calculation--the delta.