Too

 

Every single day this tiny adverb pops into my thoughts. I don't purposely think of it or try to use it daily. It's not like I set a goal or a counter, I am just aware of the frequency with which I use the word in context of having an illness characterized by chronicity.

I find myself preparing for any eventuality of too in all aspects of daily life, both present and future. In the present, I think about every aspect of too from small to big, every single day.

Will I be too cold or too hot?

Am I too tired?

Will the event be too long?

If we go to lunch or dinner, will the chairs be too hard?

Will I be able to stand or walk if the ride is too long?

Often, life's opportunities and situations involve more than one too.

How much pain will I have, almost instantly, if I become too cold for too long?

What if the bar stools are too hard AND too high?

Will the walk to the car include ground that is too uneven, on a walk that's too long, in weather that's too cold, after sitting on a surface that's too hard?

For how many hours, days, weeks or months will I feel the effects of too much movement, too many chores, too much standing, too much sitting or too little medication?

I think about the future too.

Is this all too much for any person to handle?

Are my physical needs and medical upkeep too expensive?

Will it all be too inconvenient?

Like some other people who have found helpful biologics or consistent medication regimens, will I find relief too?

It's not like I can look up the answers to any of these questions, but they aren't anxiety-driven either. The questions are not characterized by out-of-control thinking, but instead by pragmatism in the midst of an illness characterized by so much variability.

Like it or not, too has become a construct of sorts--the core idea that any of this can be managed and a grand attempt to do just that in the present and in the future.

Too is tiresome and requires deliberation and planning, as well as mental and physical toughness. 

Most days, I have the wherewithal for too and all its forms.  

On a few occasions, I simply have given too much, spent too much, thought too much, and censored too much. 

And when I have, for whatever reason, spent too much energy or combined too many adverse condition sets, I will spend far too long recovering from it.