Despair

 

Constant physical pain causes unending emotional pain. Over time, one could term that emotional pain from not having solutions, not having relief, not having control-- despair.

Chronic pain creates a single-rider, stationary Ferris wheel of highs and lows while watching the same scenery go by. 

Each time the Ferris wheel returns to the starting point to begin the climb again is just disheartening again and again.

The abject sense of despair that comes from constant, unending, pain and limitation is so seductive in a way. Just sliding into despair requires no physical effort and certainly no mental or emotional effort. 

Despair becomes a familiar companion that gives carte blanche permission to be sad, grief-stricken, distant, and closed. It's easy to give in to the sadness.

To feel something else, to view it all differently, feels like an impossibility when each day begins with an uphill battle to stretch, unfurl, walk, work, bend, lift, heal, sit, stand, and ride. 

To do it all with a fake smile, to hide the pain, to hide how much it hurts, to appear as normal as possible so that I don't hear words of pity or see looks of sorrow, makes it even harder. 

Does feel better to give the pain a voice? No. I get sick and tired of thinking about it, talking about it, problem-solving it, and planning next moves to minimize it all.

Does it feel better to keep the pain to myself? No, because it allows people to believe that the pain isn't that severe, it isn't pervasive, and life goes on as usual.

The resulting dissonance, the actual cognitive dissonance, creates despair.